The Not-So Fresh Prince of Bellaire, OH

When police in Bellaire, OH arrived at the home of an unnamed 43-year-old man they found the man literally stuck to his seat. “Last night’s Top Chef finale was that good,” he explained. Ha ha. No, just kidding. He was too fat to move and his skin had become fused to his chair by two years worth of urine, feces and maggots.

Working in conjunction with the local fire department, police were able to finally extricate the man from his house by cutting a hole in his wall (seen at right). He was taken to a hospital in West Virginia where he later died.

Where the magic happened

Where the magic happened

The once vital and active man had somehow devolved into a rather puzzling state of a completely sedentary lifestyle. Visitors who would come to check in on him said that he would always have a blanket placed over himself – presumably to somehow hide the fact that his flesh had become melded to the chair fabric. What’s even more bizarre however is that the man did not live alone. He had two roommates including – get this – his girlfriend who would tend to him and feed him food. So that’s cute.

How either of them managed to live there is a complete mystery. Police officers who responded to the scene found the scent and overall living conditions so appalling that one officer went so far as to throw away his uniform after he left the residence. The tenants were given orders by building code enforcement to clean up the residence but let’s face it. The entire place should probably just be burnt to the ground. Though currently a team of seven people are working on the cleanup. Imagine renting that place next.

The community is naturally up in arms about this. “A fat person? Living so close to me? I thought this was a decent neighborhood.” they said, clutching their children tight. Luckily for our obese American Dreamer and his roommates it turns out that eating yourself into oblivion isn’t against the laws. He wasn’t held hostage. At 43 he was too young to fall under “elder abuse” and because he was eating real chips and not the lead paint chips from his walls the Health Department doesn’t care much either.

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